thoughts at 6am

6 am can be really hard when you've been awake the whole night.

you look outside the window and the sky is getting brighter the birds are already chirping, people are probably waking up, making coffee, getting ready for work, starting another normal day, and there you are still awake staring out the window, still questioning things that didn't have answers at 2 am and still don't have answers now.

sometimes the best thing you can do in that moment is stop staring at the ceiling and step outside, pick up an umbrella and start walking, and honestly it becomes even better when it's slightly raining and the roads are completely empty.

back in goa those early morning walks hit differently, empty roads, cool air, light rain falling on the umbrella and not a single person around, the whole world feels quieter and for a few minutes it feels like life slows down, nobody is calling you, nobody needs anything from you, there are no deadlines, no notifications, no pressure to be somewhere or become someone, it's just you walking through the rain with your thoughts.

and honestly it's not less than therapy, in some ways it feels even better, not because your problems disappear they don't, the questions are still there, the uncertainty is still there, but your mind feels lighter, you stop searching for answers to everything, you stop trying to control every outcome, you just walk, breathe, and exist for a while, and somehow by the time you get back home nothing has changed, but something inside you has.

there's something strange about 6 am, the world feels like it's moving forward while you're standing still, the sun comes up whether you've figured your life out or not, the birds don't care about your problems, another day starts whether you're ready for it or not, maybe that's why 6 am feels different, it doesn't give you a chance to hide from your thoughts anymore.

during the day it's easy to stay busy, there's always something demanding your attention, messages, work, social media, conversations, goals, responsibilities, most of the time we're moving so fast that we don't stop to think, but when you've been awake all night and suddenly it's 6 am, there's nowhere left to run, it's just you and your thoughts.

i've noticed that the questions i spend all day avoiding usually show up around this time, not huge life changing questions, just simple ones, am i happy with where i'm headed, am i spending my time on the right things, am i becoming the person i want to become, am i actually living or am i just staying busy, questions that don't have quick answers but somehow keep showing up anyway.

the funny thing is that i don't think these questions ever completely disappear, every time you answer one, life gives you another, a few years ago i thought confidence came from knowing exactly what you wanted, now i think confidence comes from being okay when you don't, most of life happens in uncertainty, most of the time we're making decisions without knowing how they'll turn out, we're taking chances without guarantees, we're hoping things work out while knowing they might not.

i think that's something people don't talk about enough, everyone loves talking about success once everything works out, nobody talks about the middle part, the waiting, the uncertainty, the days where you're putting in effort and seeing no results, the moments where you're wondering whether you're moving forward or just moving, that's where most of us actually spend our time, somewhere between where we are and where we want to be.

maybe that's why i've stopped trying to have all the answers, maybe some things are meant to stay uncertain for a while, maybe some answers only come when you stop chasing them, the older i get the more i realize that life isn't a problem to solve, it's something you experience, not everything needs to make sense immediately.

right now somewhere someone is probably sitting by a window at 6 am asking the same questions i'm asking, wondering what's next, wondering if they're doing enough, wondering if things will work out.

i think that's enough. paveen